A jovial look at ways to snuff it in Thailand.
C
Cake
Thai cake can be the icing on top of what can be a pretty awful diet. Many a falang talk of the Thai diet as a healthy one, which it often is, yet, day to day, much of it is fried, re-fried and deep fried again, and the Thai love of all things sweet can lead to little bodies being sadled with large bellies and big asses. Take a long time to kill you though, cake, and tastes good.
Chance of fatality - 3/100
Cancer
There seems to be a hell-of-a-lot of Thai cancer about.... The ugly network of overhead cable lines, dependancy on mobile communication, and a general mai pen arai regard for pollution may or may not have something to do with it... without change, future Thai cancer rates probably look set to increase, sadly.
Chance of fatality - 4
Car Accident
A big and nasty cause of misery throughout the Kingdom. A common scenario, amongst both the Thai AND falang - a general lack of road discipline amongst both parties whilst in LOS is renowned. As a dreamy, tropical holiday destination, the Thai roads can lead to every tourists worst nightmare. Driving on Thai roads should be approached with extreme caution, particularly around holiday periods, and especially in areas of high alcohol consumption. Don't hire a motorbike...... just don't.
Chance of fatality - 10/100
Cheese
Good quality cheese is so rare that it is discussed at length around farang campfires. Non dangerous due to its rarity, although prolonged discussions can cause nostalgia and general home sickery.
Chance of fatality - 0.5/100
Chilli
The flavour of Thailand, the hot stuff, generally, never eaten in fatal quantities, but avoid the kitchen when being cooked as can lead to nasty bout of chilli sneezing ...
Chance of fatality - 0.5/100
Cholera
Scary, but very rare, only sometimes surfacing in the odd rural area. Oral vaccinations are widely available, although as a rule only needed by those most at risk.
Chance of fatality - 2/100
Cigarette
Fags are very cheap in Thailand, but cigarette advertising has been banned on Thai TV for years... actors /actresses who smoke in films are blurred. Cigarette packets are decorated with various gory images of diseased internal organs, and kids breathing fumes.... Pack it in!
Chance of fatality - 11/100
Cobra
Despite what you've heard, cobras aren't dangerous! Just watch this township in Northern Thailand if you don't believe me. Yeeeah, just your friendly, cuddly, cobra... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jsi7Yq1Eb_4
Chance of fatality - 5/100
Cocaine
Cocaine use is on the rise in Thailand, as it apparently is always and everywhere ... available in hot spots, swanky clubs, bars and dark alleyways.. It is mainly brought into Thailand via the postal system, or by 'mules' who swallow large quantities and then shat them out once they get through customs.... Sums it up, really. If caught with it, a loooong jail term is in order, which in Thailand, may make you wish you were dead.
Chance of fatality - 3/100
Coconut
Tropical Thailand is full of tall palm trees, many laden with rather large, heavy coconuts. Gravity always wins the tug of war, eventually, and consequently coconuts fall onto the noggins of unsuspecting passers by fairly regularly, resulting in head ache, incapacitation, or termination... Can also cause death when thrown by damn pesky monkeys.
Chance of fatality - 8/100
Comet
No problem here, easily solved. Watch this Thai commerical for Comet avoidance demonstation.
Chance of fatality - 4/100
Copper
The infamous Thai cop again. 'Death' wise, not much to worry about, if you behave.. The odd foreign tourist is shot now and again, and this is usually well reported.... As a 'general' rule, don't get hammered, and throw punches at Thai cops (or hang with anyone that does)... They carry guns you know....
Chance of fatality - 1/100
Cotton Bud
These things are a FECKING nightmare. Leave these things in the damn shop, I've had an ear ache for FECKING months now. AVOID!!!!!!! (non-fatal)
Chance of fatality - 0.5/100
Criminal
Prevalent in built up city areas and during global recessions, the bag snatching, pick pocketing, petty thief will break-in and rob all your consumerables.. Lock everything up, twice. Also, if your thing is to dwell in dark lit back alleys, trying to score yaa ba, don't be surprised if you get more than you bargained for...
Chance of fatality - 7/100
Crocodile
Safe if viewed from a bridge 30ft in the air, or cage. Not so safe if you tread on one whilst in the jungle river, or if performing an ill prepared circus act. (Video: In no way am I attempting to make a joke out of this video. Viewer discretion is ADVISED)
Chance of fatality - 4/100
Curse
The superstitious people of Thailand are very mindful of the spirit world.... so mind your P's and Q's around Thai folk ... Dodgy karma is taken very seriously in Thailand, ensure your actions don't offend others, or you may find that bad karma gets a taste for you.
Chance of fatality - 6/100
Trained coconut monkeys?!? Surely this is the first stages of 'The Planet of the Apes'? They'll be the end of us all! Hands off, you damn, dirty apes....
Posted by: Wotchit321 | October 25, 2009 at 07:58 AM
Incredible isn't it. For those that didn't click the link, check it out here: http://www.phuketgazette.net/archives/queernews/2009/article7180.html
Still cannot work out if it's a wind up. Only in Thailand...
Posted by: Ben Shingleton | October 25, 2009 at 10:20 AM
You didn't make it to the J's and the ever popular Jumpers. That does seem to be Pattaya only kind of thing though...except when that guy left his head on King Rama Bridge in Bangkok.
I've actually witnessed one of those crocs biting one of the show handlers at Sriratcha tiger zoo...he was slow and apparently the croc wasn't drugged enough. Seems he'll be smoking and drinking with his other hand now.
Posted by: Talen | October 26, 2009 at 12:05 AM
I'm not so sure that Monkey killed the man...I think the family did and blamed the monkey. Would you keep a killer monkey that may at any time bonk you with a coconut?
Come to think of it the monkey may be good for mother in laws.
Posted by: Talen | October 26, 2009 at 12:07 AM
LOL 'the monkey done it' I reckon you might be right there Talen... the day my my mother in law goes to chatuchat to purchase a coconut collecting monkey i will defo keep a low profile..
Posted by: Ben Shingleton | October 26, 2009 at 12:48 AM
Heh, heh, that croc reminds me of bar girls, moreso these days. All that's missing is my arm and a 1000 baht note.
Was wondering when your ABCs would resume. This item takes a lot of work though. Good stuff, Ben.
Posted by: Siam.Rick | October 28, 2009 at 03:31 AM
:) Thanks Rick. Wouldn't do it if I didn't enjoy it! I hope the guy in the croc vid made a full recovery..
Posted by: Ben Shingleton | October 28, 2009 at 04:15 AM